Category: Ex Back Experts

Christian Roommates – Finding Good Company

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By , February 15, 2020 10:35 am

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In 1 Corinthians 15:33, Paul wrote: “Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character.?This statement should be your guiding light when selecting your next roommates.

In the same way that your family influenced you growing up, the people you live with now will also change the way you speak, act and think. This is great news if you pick solid, Christian roommates who will help you to grow. Proverbs 27:17 says that “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.?…

christian, roommates

In 1 Corinthians 15:33, Paul wrote: “Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character.?This statement should be your guiding light when selecting your next roommates.

In the same way that your family influenced you growing up, the people you live with now will also change the way you speak, act and think. This is great news if you pick solid, Christian roommates who will help you to grow. Proverbs 27:17 says that “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.?
However, the influence of your roommates can also corrupt your good character according to the verse from 1 Corinthians. Rather than being sharpened, you can be slowly whittled away. The worst part is, this happens slowly and gradually and you may not even realize you’re changing.

So how can you avoid bad company in your new roommates? Make sure you choose people that you are familiar with. People who you’ve had a chance to watch for a good year or so. This will ensure that you know the person you’re about to move in with. Spend some time with them in a variety of situations. Is there anything questionable about their beliefs or activities? Ask a couple people for advice as well. Some of your friends may have seen a different side of your potential roommate.

What if you’re not thinking of moving in with anyone you know? What if it has to be someone random? This is most likely the case if you’re moving into a dorm your first year of college. You’re really going to have to rely on God to provide you with someone who will be good company. Either way, it may be good to have some up front conversations to lay down a framework for what your apartment/dorm will be like. You can let your roommate know, gently of course, that drugs and heavy drinking aren’t cool with you and that you’re not really into partying too much. Don’t come across as self-righteous and your roommate will understand.

If you’re in a situation where you’ve been thrown in with a roommates with bad character, find some support outside of your dorm. Join a church nearby or find an on-campus group to hang out with. A group that can sharpen you and give you advice and help. Through them, you might even have an opportunity to change your roommate into good company.

Commitment Phobia: Are You Commitment Phobic?

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By , February 12, 2020 12:53 pm

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Marilee, a client of mine, was commitment phobic. “I’d love to be in a loving relationship,?she told me in one of our counseling sessions, “but I’m not willing to give up my freedom. I have a great life. I love my work and my friends. I love to travel and take workshops and classes. I don’t want anyone telling me what I can or can’t do. I don’t want to deal with someone feeling hurt because I want to work rather than be with him. It’s just not worth all the hassle.?

Marc…

commitment phobia, relationships, relationship advice, love advice, self improvement, self help

Marilee, a client of mine, was commitment phobic. “I’d love to be in a loving relationship,?she told me in one of our counseling sessions, “but I’m not willing to give up my freedom. I have a great life. I love my work and my friends. I love to travel and take workshops and classes. I don’t want anyone telling me what I can or can’t do. I don’t want to deal with someone feeling hurt because I want to work rather than be with him. It’s just not worth all the hassle.?

Marcus, another of my clients, was also commitment phobic. “When I’m not in a relationship, that’s all I can think about it. I really want someone to play with, to love and to grow with. But soon after getting into a relationship, I start to feel trapped. I feel like I can’t do what I want to do and I start to resent the person for limiting me. Most of the time, she has no idea what’s going on and is stunned by the break-up. She thought everything was fine. After leaving her, I’m back to square one ?wanting to be in a relationship. This has happened over and over again.?

Commitment phobia has its roots in the belief that when we love someone, we are responsible for their feelings rather than for our own. Once we believe that we are responsible for another’s feelings of hurt or rejection as a result of our behavior, we believe we need to limit ourselves in order to not upset the other person. Then, instead of standing up for our own freedom and right to pursue that which brings us joy, we limit our freedom in an effort to have control over the other person’s feelings. This will always eventually lead to resentment.

“Marilee, ?I asked in one of our phone sessions, “What if you picked someone who also loved his work and his personal freedom??

“Frankly, I can’t imagine that. Every man I’ve been in a relationship with has wanted to spend more time with me than I have with him. Am I just picking the wrong man over and over??

“No,?I replied. “But you are not standing firm in your freedom from the beginning. You give a lot at the beginning because you enjoy being with him, but, as we’ve discussed, you also give yourself up a lot at the beginning. You make love when you don’t want to. You stay up later than you want to for fear of hurting him. Then, when you do start to tell the truth, he is surprised and hurt. Until you are willing to risk losing him from the beginning rather than lose yourself, you will continue to create relationships that limit your freedom. You end up believing that it is the relationship that limits you, but it is your own fears and beliefs that keep limiting you.?

In my sessions with Marcus, he discovered that he had no idea how to stand up for himself in a relationship. As soon as a woman wanted something from him, he gave it to her. He just could not bring himself to say no. Then, of course, he ended up feeling trapped.

Marcus discovered that his fear of saying no to a woman came from two sources:

1) He believed he was responsible for her feelings, and that he was bad if he did anything that upset her.

2) He was afraid that if she felt hurt, she would get angry and reject him.

As a result of these two fears, Marcus continually gave himself up in relationships. However, giving himself up created such resentment toward his partner that he eventually didn’t want to be with her anymore and left the relationship.

In order to have both our personal freedom and be in a committed relationship, we need to learn to take responsibility for our own feelings rather than the other person’s feelings, and we need to be willing to lose the other person rather than lose ourselves. Commitment phobia heals when you become strong enough to be true to yourself, even in the face of another’s anger, rejection, or loss. If you want to have a loving relationship, then you need to do the inner work necessary to develop a strong adult self who can be a powerful advocate for your personal freedom.

Are You Sucking the Passion Out of Your Relationships?

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By , February 9, 2020 4:30 pm

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Since relationship is the main focus of your life, when you’re not in a romantic relationship, you’re probably looking for one. You can teach others how to love and “do?intimacy.

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If you are a Lover, your passion is connection, the intimacy of giving and receiving. Whether you are sharing your gifts and talents with the world at large, or you are having a one-on-one love relationship, marital relationship, friendship, a family member, or a relationship with a co-worker, you enjoy fusing your essential being with everything in life. Connecting with other people makes you feel grounded, secure, needed, valued, supported, happy, good about yourself, comforted, and loved.

Since relationship is the main focus of your life, when you’re not in a romantic relationship, you’re probably looking for one. You can teach others how to love and “do?intimacy. When the Lover is in bloom, you light up the world. Your enthusiasm, creativity, charisma, and openness make you irresistible. Your glow ignites the glow in others and helps them grow into their full potential. Lovers are wonderful people to know and love.

But as the day is followed by the night, the Lover’s glow casts a shadow. At their worst, Lovers are “energy vampires,?over-connecters who fuse with a grip that can be intensely smothering. As the Vamp, they can be desperately needy, self-centered, and depleting. In anger, they can whip up a storm and strike out with lethal words, wanting to hurt those who have hurt them. Vamps can burn out the people in their lives with drama after drama.

Vamps can be very charismatic and sexy in relationships. When they turn their attention in your direction, they can charm the pants off you. As long as the experience lasts, you’ll feel as though you are the most brilliant, fascinating creature in the universe. The trouble is, it may not last long. As soon as they’ve got you hooked, they are likely to move on to greener pastures because Vamps are attracted to the unavailable. Deep inside, they feel unworthy; therefore they don’t want to be members of any team that would have them. Lovers have a special talent for intimacy, but until they learn how to be self-nurturing and to give without expecting something in return, they often use moments of connection to feed off the energy of others. They seduce you so that you’ll validate them in the mistaken belief that this gives them an identity. Sadly, they often don’t know how beloved and wonderful they are.

If these words seem a bit harsh, just remember that the Vamp is only the unhealed aspect of the Lover. Every “Passion Signature?or, the signature style you express yourself and seek fulfillment, has light and dark qualities. We all have our share. Knowing the drawbacks to your Passion Signature can help you overcome your commitment phobia and discover your full potential.

In my book, The Passion Principle: Discover Your Passion Signature and the Secrets to Deeper Relationships in Love, Life and Work, you will find a guide for overcoming your Vamp qualities and having the committed love relationship and marriage you deserve.

Are You a Jealous Lover?

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By , February 6, 2020 7:13 pm

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Nothing can ruin a relationship or marriage faster than jealously. Jealousy creates anxiety, anger, loneliness, hate, fear. No one thinks clearly when jealous.

Having a relationship with a jealous person is tough. The jealous person acts untrusting or unworthy. Jealousy makes the person unattractive, even repulsive.

No one wants a jealous mate and no one likes being jealous. Here are some ways to get over your jealousy…….

jealous lover,overcome,overcoming jealousy,stop being jealous,dealing with jealousy in relationship

What do you do when that little, green eyed monster, as it’s so often called, jealousy bites you? It can happen to the best of couples, no matter what stage your relationship is in. Sometimes, it feels like there is no defense against this ridge building phenomenon. Most people are not jealous by nature but jealousy is usually put into action by some event, situation or another person.

If you are insecure about your relationship and very dependent on your lover you are likely to be jealous. After jealousy creeps in we begin to spy on our lover, worrying about the situation and reviewing the evidence. Suspicion is a strong emotion here.

If we decide there is a threat to our love, we can have a very wide range of responses like clinging dependency, violent rage at the competitor or the partner, self-criticism, and depression with suicidal thoughts. But is there any way to conquer this feeling and overcome jealousy?

Here are some ways you can handle jealousy

1. Isolate the cause of jealousy. You may think that jealousy is caused by your partner looking sexy or by a certain person at work. But that isn’t the real cause. That is just a symptom. Try to understand what the real cause is, so that you can then work on finding a solution.

2. Focus on eliminating one jealousy trigger. You also need to realise that jealousy can be overcome easily. So start out by focusing on an activity where you work through one of the main triggers for your jealousy and try to find the cause.

3. Build up your self-esteem. Most of the jealousy situations are caused by the jealous lovers feeling that they are not good enough for their partners. They feel inadequate and they feel that their partner would leave them for someone else, if given half a chance. So one key thing to work on is to build up your self-esteem.

Communication in the Workplace – New Tips and Strategies

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By , February 3, 2020 10:19 pm

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Communication in the workplace is very important but with so many people involved, all with different personalities and varying levels of understanding – communication can be difficult and misunderstandings can arise.

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Communication in the workplace is very important but with so many people involved, all with different personalities and varying levels of understanding – communication can be difficult and misunderstandings can arise.

Workplaces can be hectic places where messages are flying left, right and centre: that’s prime territory for miscommunication. Try to avoid that by following a few simple guidelines.

How you need to communicate in the workplace varies a little according to your job responsibilities. Those differ sometimes in whether you have responsibility for and authority over certain other staff members. It’s important to realize that you only have authority in so far as you can get people to follow you. How successfully you get people to do that comes down to communication too!

Communication is vital in any workplace and here are some of the essential ingredients for good communication in the workplace:

1. Give clear instructions

You save time in the long run by taking time to give even simple instructions clearly and make sure they are understood. Leave a pause for people to ask questions – or invite them to do so. It’s much better if a task is understood from the start rather than you having to go back and do work again because it was done wrongly the first time.

2. Be constructive, not critical

Supervisors and bosses can all too often become critical.

Often people who have tried to organize their work or solve workplace problems themselves have been severely criticized for the solution they have implemented. Is it any wonder then why they don’t bother trying to sort anything out again? That’s not an efficient way to organize a workplace.

The main trouble with this approach arises because the natural response of someone who is being criticized is to switch off and not listen. Nobody learns anything or moves on in that way.

The other side of the coin is that when employees are empowered to make some decisions themselves, managers get more time to get on with their own job and really progress a
business. For this to work, people need to feel safe to explore alternatives, give suggestions and ask questions.

Managers also need to make sure they ask the right questions to inspire their employees and to help them to think through solutions.

3. Let people know the ‘bigger picture?

What are you all aiming for? People will work harder and smarter if they know how the work they’re doing contributes to an end product.

4. Communicate messages effectively

Workplaces often have many people working there. Messages need to be passed on efficiently through whichever medium – face-face, telephone, e-mail etc.

If you have a message to pass on, make sure you do it accurately, to the right person – and in a timely manner. If the message is long – type it rather than relying on your memory.

5. Give people the freedom to organize at least some their work

If people are clear about what needs to be done, they can understand and set a list of priorities for their own work. This keeps people motivated to work hard, but also, it makes
them work more efficiently as they know what has to be done and can switch between tasks accordingly. There’s no need for them to stop work having hit a snag when they can get on with another project.

6. Make expectations clear

End a conversation with something like,

“So – am I right in thinking that you think the project will be completed by the end of today??

Then, if people anticipate a problem, they have the opportunity to tell you if there’s going to be a problem with that. That gives you the chance – and responsibility – to help them.

7. Treat people like individuals

Everyone has different needs and different personalities. Different people will all react well to slightly different approaches. It’s good if you can find out what approaches work well for your colleagues and employees; that way, you will get the most out of each interaction and everyone will be happier.

It all comes down to communication skills – or lack of them. It’s completely your responsibility for making yourself understood – no matter how many times you have to try – and it’s the other person’s responsibility to let you know every time they don’t understand something: communication in the workplace relies upon it.

Deadly Relationship Habits

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By , February 1, 2020 1:00 am

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How many of you have ever been involved with a significant other who wanted you to do something you didn’t want to do? I doubt that I’m the only one. By virtue of a significant other relationship, there will be times when our partners will want us to do things we don’t necessarily want to do and conversely, there will be times when we will want our partners to do things they don’t want to do.

This is perfectly normal. The key, however, is what we do about it. Can you remem…

: relationship, control, communication, punishing behaviors, negotiation, external control

How many of you have ever been involved with a significant other who wanted you to do something you didn’t want to do? I doubt that I’m the only one. By virtue of a significant other relationship, there will be times when our partners will want us to do things we don’t necessarily want to do and conversely, there will be times when we will want our partners to do things they don’t want to do.

This is perfectly normal. The key, however, is what we do about it. Can you remember the behaviors your partners used to get you to do things their way? Dr. William Glasser, in his book called, Getting Together and Staying Together, talks about the seven destructive relationship habits. They are: complaining, criticizing, blaming, nagging, threatening, punishing, and bribing or rewarding to control. Do you recognize any favorites?

I like to add guilting to the list—this seems to be a favorite behavior of mothers. I know, because I am one. You can recognize this pattern in martyr type behavior. Saying things like, “After all I’ve done for you, you can’t do this one little thing for me??I’ve actually heard some mothers play the “childbirth card? You know the one. It sounds like this: “I was in labor with you for 36 hours! All I’m asking for is this one thing.?
I know for me, I am a world class nagger—just ask my children. The question of “Will you clean up your room today??can be asked in a variety of different ways, with varying tonal inflections and volumes to convey a variety of meanings. By the time I’ve reached the end of my rope, it would frequently sound like, “How can you be so lazy! If you don’t do it right now, I am going to do something to hurt you!?(This pain usually took the form of haranguing my child for an extended period of time.) Does this sound familiar?

With regard to nagging, it is my belief that after you’ve said it three times, your significant other has probably heard you and is not planning on obliging you any time in the near future. Repeating your request most likely will be unsuccessful at getting you what you want.

Complaining and criticizing are other behaviors we often engage in to get our loved ones to do something they don’t want to do. Does this sound familiar? Why can’t you be more like _____________? Do you have to do it THAT way? Why can’t you ever do something I want? You never do things the right way. You are so lazy, stupid, frustrating, aggravating, etc. Do these sound like relationship strengthening behaviors to you?

I think the blaming, threatening and punishing behaviors are self-explanatory. Blaming sounds like: It’s always your fault. Threatening goes like this: If you do or don’t do ______________, then I’m going to (insert something you won’t like). Punishing often takes the form of withdrawal. It may be that we give our partners the silent treatment or we may withdraw affection or at least our enthusiasm during intimacy.

The last destructive habit to discuss is called bribing or rewarding to control. This may require a little more discussion. Bribing or rewarding to control does not mean the same thing as negotiation. Negotiation in a relationship is very healthy and necessary to the long term success of the relationship. It involves two willing partners, each interested in helping the other person get what they need, while at the same time meeting their own needs. Bribing simply means that I am going to dangle a carrot of what I think you want in front of you to get you to do the thing I know you don’t want to do.

I can remember often asking my youngest son to pick up his room. His room was always a mess and quite possibly a health hazard. I remember one day, I decided to put my nagging behavior away and try something new. So I said something like this: “Kyle, if you clean your room today, I’ll let you have a friend come over and play.?Do you know what his answer was? He said, “I don’t want a friend that bad.?And the room didn’t get cleaned! What a surprise!

Bribing or rewarding to control also needs to be distinguished from spontaneous rewards. Can you feel the difference between these two scenarios? You want your partner to attend an office party with you that he or she does not want to attend. In your best attempt to bribe him or her, you seductively express what you might do when you come home from the party.

Compare that to, you ask your partner to attend the party. He or she agrees. You go and have a wonderful time, spontaneously enjoying some quality intimacy upon your return home. Do those circumstances feel different to you? I bet they would to your partner.

No one likes to be controlled no matter how subtly or skillfully the controlling is administered. External control is one thing human beings are almost guaranteed to rebel against.

The bottom line is that we often engage in destructive relationship patterns with those people we claim to love the most. We typically don’t use these destructive behaviors with our friends. If we were to try, we soon wouldn’t have any friends left!

When we think about our progress over the past 100 years in terms of technology and relationships, it is very clear that we have made great strides in the technological field and very minimal gains, if any, in our relationships with each other. Can you think of things we have available to us today that didn’t exist 100 years ago? Today we have cell phones, computers, satellite, televisions, DVDs, CDs, space travel, etc. The list is virtually endless.

One of the reasons we have made such huge gains in the technological field is because those who are working at making those advances are willing to try a new approach when their approach is no longer working. They adjust their behavior to fit the situation. This is simply common sense.

However, in the area of interpersonal relationships, would you say that people get along better today than they did a century ago? Do husbands get along better with their wives? Do parents get along better with their children? Do teachers get along better with their students? Do neighbors get along better today? Most would admit that there has been little, if any, improvement.

The reason for this lack of progress in the relationship department is that when our external control behaviors don’t work to get us the results we want, we take those same behaviors to the next level. We are convinced that they will work if only we do it more often, harder or faster. In other words, we get a bigger stick!

The reason this mentality has survived the ages is because we can usually crank up the pressure or find the one punishment or threat that will work to get us what we want. Did you hear me say external control doesn’t work? Of course it works! That’s why we use it. The question remains: At what cost?

When we consistently use external control behaviors in our relationships with those we love, what does it cost? It costs us the relationship. I’m not saying the relationship will necessarily end, although that is a definite possibility. What I am saying is that we keep whittling away at the foundation of our relationship and then wonder why there has been no relationship progress over the past 100 years or even longer.

There are alternatives. There are ways to simultaneously honor ourselves and our partners. The first step is to recognize when we are using external control behavior. We will probably be able to recognize it long before you feel able to do anything about it. This is acceptable. Of course, the best case scenario is that from this moment forward, every time you consider externally controlling your partner, you stop yourself and use a caring habit instead.

However, if that is not what happens in your case, don’t despair. Recognizing external control is the first step—bringing it into your conscious awareness. Once it’s there, then you can make a decision about what you are going to do about it.

To learn about excluding external control from your life and implementing the caring habits in your relationships, visit www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz and check our calendar for upcoming teleclasses, chats and workshops.

Being Dumped, just plain sucks!

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By , January 29, 2020 4:28 am

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The last woman I was involved with was quite full of herself.
So then why did she dump me?”

And my answer to him was this…

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Hurricanes really suck. Even if they do not reach you, they still threaten your safety net. Florida survived last years attack of Mother Nature, so we are a little more courageous this year. Not much, but a little. I would love to meet the person that pissed her off (Mother Nature). Not only does she get even, but she does it with a vengeance. That’s like PMS & Menopause all rapped up. So, for all you poor souls that are in for that ride(PMS & Manopause), and have no clue what it is all about, think hurricane. It can turn in a second and destroy you. Oh, and it has many names also, like bitch, nag, crazy, nuts, annoying, female, insane, messed up, pms’ing, hallucinating, on drugs, stupid bitch, mentally challenged, and that’s just a few, except they are not in an alphabetical order like the hurricanes. OK so we are disorganized. BITE ME! You seriously have to be PMS`ing to be able to understand (winks). I can only hope that everyone gets as many laughs as I have so far typing this.

OK, now onto more serious matters in life. Today I received a question from a guy. Here is what he said:

“Posted by Anonymous
The last woman I was involved with was quite full of herself.
So then why did she dump me?”

And my answer to him was this… “Posted by Dorothy
Hey there, sorry to hear about your being dumped. Not knowing either of you, it is really hard to answer that question. There are many reasons for people walking away from a relationship. It could have plain worn out. Also they could have found someone else. Either way, it sucks, and you have to deal with the pain, and learn to get on with your life. It is a challenge, but it does make you aware, of what being human is all about. There is a saying; “If it doesn`t kill you. it will only make you stronger.” Also I am a firm believer in: ” Things do happen for a reason.” Hang in there, things will get better, if you let them. Take Care and thank you for sharing that with me.”

“Being Dumped” really is one of the worst experiences, short of death that we, as humans are faced with in our lives. They say that, death of a loved one is easier to learn to live with, than a break-up , “Being Dumped” or rejection.

All of the above, tell us that we are unacceptable to someone. We immediatley turn it into ourselves and that’s when the self-blame seed is sown. Through self-blame we begin to feel shame. Shame is so painful, that no one talks about it or even wants to think about it. Shame is the least identified emotion we as humans deal with, because we are ashamed of our shame. Shame, is yet another negative emotion, that captures and imprisons us in a pit of hell. It pulls us into a life of silence and inactivity, lying and hiding our true fears. When we are rejected in any situation, it is a true hit to our self-esteem. If we are weak in that area, then our fall is going to be very hard. If we are strong in that area, we will quickly become weak. I wrote this in a recent blog:

“When we first fall in love; What is that saying, “Love is Blind”? Ha! Now that’s funny, because it really is blind. We trust so instantly and genuinely that we potentially set ourselves up for the biggest fall in our lives. Why is that? Is it because we are so driven by nature to want to trust someone? Or is trusting someone just a happier, easier, way of life.”

So there it is, we as humans, live to love and want to be loved. We are blinded by the romance of the word ~ LOVE~. We are made happy by the word~LOVE~, but we are also hurt by the word ~LOVE~. So why do we continually set ourselves up? We are gambling, and we do not even know it. Or, is life simply just that, a gamble? The bottom line is, no one wants to get “DUMPED”, because it is not in our nature to know how to accept it. How many of you have been, “DUMPED” and just knew that your life had ended? You just knew that you will never see anything the same again. Well, you were partly correct there. It is like any other change in our lives. Things will be different than we are use to. Your life has definitely not ended. Yes, your partnership has ended with a person, and maybe it was not expected, but nor are hurricanes or wars. We deal with it all, we have to. We chose to survive. Think of it as starting a new life. Newness is positive and healthy. Look at things differently, and embrace all that newness. Do not fear it. “BEING DUMPED”, is just another chapter in your book of life. If you had no chapters, think how dull your book would be. Now, you can open your self to another chapter, and believe me, there are many. If you spend the rest of your life wondering all the “WHY`S”, just think, you have wasted even more of your precious time on something that has chosen another road. As for the fact that a person is, full of themselves, that really has nothing to do with the “Why’s” of “Being Dumped”. Even the most confident people close doors on relationships. They in fact, have more courage to do so than a person of less confidence, or being less full of themselves, so to speak. Who Knows? All we know is that the decision has been made and you as a person, with intelligence, must turn the page. Getting stuck in that feeling just makes therapists rich. (wink) Life offers many, many humps and bumps. We trip and fall, over and over again. The trick is to get real good at picking yourself up and dusting off the old dirt. This is life. I told my daughter, when she was struck by her first cupids arrow, “If you are going to get emotionally involved, be prepared to get emotionally uninvolved.” It’s life! One very important thing we must remember; when we are at the bottom and we feel we are worthless and will never ever TRUST again, it’s is a nothing more than a human emotion. We know it as doubt. We can over come doubt very easily. Look in the mirror, and tell yourself, that you are UNIQUE, and you are going to make happiness your goal. You must risk all the falls to reach that goal. Letting yourself believe that you are deserving of another relationship is truly a risk, again another gamble. But what is life without a little risk? We have the power to overcome our negative self. We just need to DO IT!!

“Self doubt is not an option!

Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we often might gain

by fearing attempt.”

Shakespear

Dorothy Lafrinere
Owner/Operator
Website- http://www.womensselfesteem.com
Weblog- http://www.justblogme.com/Dorothy
Forum- http://womenselfesteem.proboards29.com
email- dorothy@womensselfesteem.com

Do Not Get Into A Relationship To Avoid Being Alone

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By , January 26, 2020 6:53 am

338

Some people get into a relationship for the sake of not being alone. This can be a mistake. Getting into a relationship with someone just for the sake of not being alone is not very smart. Here are some ways on how to deal with this fear of loneliness.

Getting into a relationship with someone for the sake of not being by yourself can cause problems down the road. What happens if you pick the wrong person? Let’s say you choose someone and you get married. After five or six …

Some people get into a relationship for the sake of not being alone. This can be a mistake. Getting into a relationship with someone just for the sake of not being alone is not very smart. Here are some ways on how to deal with this fear of loneliness.

Getting into a relationship with someone for the sake of not being by yourself can cause problems down the road. What happens if you pick the wrong person? Let’s say you choose someone and you get married. After five or six months, you start to realize that you made a mistake in selecting this person. What do you do now?

Its not fun being alone but being with someone that you can barely tolerate is not the answer. Once you get married and have kids, it can be very difficult to get out of the relationship if things turn south. Make the smart decisions now and don’t let loneliness become a issue in your relationships.

Spending some time with animals can get rid of loneliness. Get a pet or volunteer at your local animal shelter. Walking or petting the animals can be very effective in managing loneliness. Animals are a great source for companionship.

Get a hobby. Find something you like to do and get involved. If you like to play volleyball, then find a local team. If you like to lift weights, then go to a gym. Doing something you like will keep you active and help you to make friends.

Develop a network of friends. A person who has friends will not be as alone as for someone who is constantly by themselves. Again, join a group where you can develop long lasting friendships.

Finally, if being alone bothers you that much then its best to see a professional. He or she can give you insights on how to better manage your fear of being alone. There is nothing wrong with being alone. In fact the average person spends some time alone during their lifetime.

Anniversary Blues

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By , January 23, 2020 10:13 am

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Jamie and Kurt are a sweet, successful couple in their early thirties. In spite of loving each other deeply, they often find themselves in conflict over seemingly minor issues, as most couples do. Recently, just one week before their wedding anniversary, they had a particularly hurtful argument. Jamie had expressed her unhappiness about Kurt’s busy schedule and the limited time he finds to spend with her. As usual, Kurt promised to try harder and they got through it.

relationships, marriage, wedding anniversary

Jamie and Kurt are a sweet, successful couple in their early thirties. In spite of loving each other deeply, they often find themselves in conflict over seemingly minor issues, as most couples do. Recently, just one week before their wedding anniversary, they had a particularly hurtful argument. Jamie had expressed her unhappiness about Kurt’s busy schedule and the limited time he finds to spend with her. As usual, Kurt promised to try harder and they got through it. But having not dealt with the real issues at hand, the problem was bound to resurface. Jamie unknowingly began planting the seeds for their next bout when she decided to bring up the subject of their anniversary.

“Kurt, I just wanted to remind you that next week is our anniversary and it’s really important that we plan something special for us.?
Kurt took a deep breath and responded, “Jamie, you know I don’t really like celebrations.?
“Oh come on Kurt. It’s really important to me.?Nearly pleading, Jamie continued. “When you really love someone, you try to do what is important to them, right? I made the plans last year and now it’s your turn. Why don’t you surprise me…something really romantic! Okay??
Silent and distant, Kurt gave a slight nod, which was all the assurance Jamie needed that this anniversary would be exceptional. She could barely work that week fantasizing about what Kurt would do to demonstrate his everlasting love. Finally, the day arrived! Kurt had agreed to be home by six o clock. By twenty past six, Jamie was anxious. With each glance at the clock, her pacing quickened. At last, Kurt walked through the door looking tense and clutching a bouquet of red roses. Jamie took the roses with a wary smile, anticipating what was coming next. Without even so much as a glance, Kurt turned around, got a beer out of the fridge, and sank into the couch, grabbing the remote control.

Jamie watched intently, feeling her blood turn to ice. “That’s it??she asked.

“That’s what??
“That’s it? It’s our anniversary!?Jamie’s tone grew sharp. “You said you would plan something special and romantic and this? shaking the roses in her clenched fist, “this is it??
“I never said I would do anything,?Kurt retorted. “I told you it wasn’t my thing.?
“Don t lie to me! You nodded yes!?
“No, I didn’t. I didn’t agree to anything. You always want me to prove that I love you. I hate that! Even if I did want to do something for our anniversary, I certainly wouldn’t want to after you tell me you expect it! Sullenly, Kurt turned back to the TV. You take all the fun out of everything.

Jamie dissolved into tears. “Well if you knew how to show me you loved me, I wouldn’t have to say anything.?
Without a word, Kurt turned off the TV and left the house.

Once again, Jamie and Kurt were left feeling unheard and unappreciated. Their conditioned response was to blame each other for their hurt feelings and angry behavior.

In order to understand how things went so wrong, we need to look at the interaction in terms of their intention to learn or their intention to protect.

Jamie starts out trying to control Kurt by making him feel guilty. Kurt, not wanting to be controlled and not able to communicate how being controlled makes him feel, moves into resistance, which is his form of control. Jamie thinks that laying on more guilt (control) will accomplish her objective to have a romantic anniversary. Since Kurt is frustrated with his inability to express his brewing feelings, he moves into silence (control). Finally, when Kurt comes home late and sits on the sofa, he demonstrates passivity (control) to which Jamie responds with anger (control). Kurt uses more resistance (control) and Jamie uses more anger and guilt (control). Kurt gets defensive (control) and disappears (control). Attack, resist, blame, defend, on and on…Sound familiar?

Neither Kurt nor Jamie want to hurt each other. Unfortunately, they are also not open to learning about their own feelings and behaviors, or each other’s. Resorting to controlling behavior keeps them safe and eliminates the need to effectively communicate their fear. Fear is what motivates their intention to control and in the face of fear, their love dissipates.

Instead of each person taking full responsibility for his or her own happiness and unhappiness, they gave that job to each other. Imagine that your feelings are a child within. Imagine what would happen if you had an actual child that you kept trying to give to others to take care of. That child would feel scared and insecure most of the time. Yet that is exactly what happens when we make others responsible for our feelings – our child within feels scared, insecure, angry, depressed, and anxious. It is only when we take responsibility for our own feelings, which we can do through the intent to learn, that we will feel secure enough to give up the need to control and resist control.

It would be easy to blame Jamie for their problems – if only she didn’t get so needy and angry, everything would be fine. It’s just as easy to blame Kurt – if only he was more attentive and caring. Yet until both Jamie and Kurt are willing to take responsibility for their own feelings, and until loving themselves and each other is more important than controlling or not being controlled, their conflicts will continue.

The act of taking responsibility has nothing to do with blame or fault. Each person taking full responsibility eliminates the need to be right and that is an essential step to a mature and reasonable outcome. What if Jamie had started with, “Kurt, I love celebrating our anniversary and you hate it. Can we talk about what would work for both of us??They could have more easily resolved the issue. And what if Kurt had responded to Jamie’s initial controlling statements with caring and openness instead of resistance, such as, “Honey, you know I don’t like celebrations, so please don’t expect me to plan something. Let’s talk about how we can make it work for both of us.?Either one of them could have moved into an intent to learn and taken responsibility for creating what they wanted.

Each of us has the choice to begin to notice our intention.

If each of us changed our intention from controlling to loving, and learned to take responsibility for our own feelings, we would each be participating in healing our relationships and thereby healing our planet.

Do Not Let Anxiety Get The Better Of You In Your Relationships

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By , January 20, 2020 12:58 pm

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It can be tough to deal with managing your anxiety while in a relationship. Maintaining a relationship is tough enough let alone having to deal with your anxieties. As a result, here is a list of techniques and suggestions on what to do in managing your anxieties while being in a relationship.

In a relationship, we may sometimes encounter a scary situation that gets us all upset. When encountering these events, always remember to get all of the facts of the given situation…

It can be tough to deal with managing your anxiety while in a relationship. Maintaining a relationship is tough enough let alone having to deal with your anxieties. As a result, here is a list of techniques and suggestions on what to do in managing your anxieties while being in a relationship.

In a relationship, we may sometimes encounter a scary situation that gets us all upset. When encountering these events, always remember to get all of the facts of the given situation. Gathering the facts can prevent us from relying on exaggerated and fearful assumptions. By focusing on the facts, a person can rely on what is reality and what is not.

Sometimes we get stressed out when everything happens all at once. When this happens, a person should take a deep breathe and try to find something to do for a few minutes to get their mind off of the problem. A person could get some fresh air or do something that will give them a fresh perspective on things.

Be smart in how you deal with your stresses in a relationship. Do not try to tackle everything all at once. When facing a current or upcoming task that overwhelms you with a lot of anxiety, break the task into a series of smaller steps. Completing these smaller tasks one at a time will make the stress more manageable and increases your chances of success.

Make a list of all the things that you enjoy in your current relationship. The next time you get anxious or fearful, look at your list and remind yourself of the good parts in being with that person. This technique will put your fears and anxieties in a relationship into perspective.

Sometimes, it helps to be able to talk to someone about our stressful situations. Talking to a trusted friend, counselor, or clergyman can not only make us feel better, but they might be able to give you additional advice and insights on how to deal with your current problem.

Although I am a layman and not a professional I have interviewed many psychologists and clergyman and I have over fifteen years of experience in dealing with fear. Dealing with our persistent fears in a relationship is not easy, however there are many helpful resources available to us if you look hard enough.

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