Category: Ex Back Experts

Can The Feeling Of Guilt Destroy Your Relationship?

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By , April 4, 2020 6:58 am

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When the mind allows guilt to take over, it will tear down relationships, especially if the partner fails to come to terms and agreement with self. To determine if your mind is full of guilt you must ask your self-questions. What did you do so wrong that would offend your partner that cannot be forgiving?

Guilt can break the mind down to the point of no return. Guilt is more than a mistake made; rather it is a violation against rights, humanity, belief, tradition, standar…

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When the mind allows guilt to take over, it will tear down relationships, especially if the partner fails to come to terms and agreement with self. To determine if your mind is full of guilt you must ask your self-questions. What did you do so wrong that would offend your partner that cannot be forgiving?

Guilt can break the mind down to the point of no return. Guilt is more than a mistake made; rather it is a violation against rights, humanity, belief, tradition, standards, and love.

When a person fails in a relationship, they may feel a measure of guilt. Thus, confronting the problem now can remove the guilt and make the relationship work. When people confront their problems, it often leads to workable agreements. When procrastination, or else lying to cover the wrong continues the mind consumes itself with emotions based on guilt.

Guilt occurs when conscious actions or thoughts interfere with someone else’s rights, or else against the own person’s beliefs. Mistakes leading to guilt depend on the situation, but for the most part wrongs can lead to right if humanity exists.

If a person commits adultery, thus the problem is solvable if the person acted out of emotion, rather than thought and commits to restoring trust. Of course, actions, effort, behaviors and habits must show the mate that the mistake will never occur again. It depends on the mate but some will forgive, while others may take the insult of the partner letting them know their worth in the relationship to heart and may decide separation and/or divorce is the way out. Adultery is stating to the mate that you have no worth. If the mate decides to forgive, thus you must do your part and allow the guilt to turn into effort to restore trust. You will need consideration, loyalty, compassion, honesty, and may even need to tell your every move for a while during the course of restore. A person with true remorse will work hard, regardless of what he/she needs to do to restore trust.

If a person violates the right of the partner, thus, it depends on the magnitude of violation, but in most instances, it is workable. People act out of emotions and impulses at times, and will often act out of lust occasionally. When the emotions, impulses and desires take control (depending on the length of time control is enforced), the person may do things he or she ordinarily would not do.

Thus, adultery is a justifiable reason to divorce or separate from the spouse, but looking at the entirety of the circumstance can help a person decide. Was the spouse enticed by another individual to commit the act, while the spouse was feeling vulnerable? Still, vulnerability is no excuse on the spouse’s part, but if enticement is the case, then two people wronged you. Was the other person in the act deceived? Did your mate lead the person to believe that he/she was not in a commitment?

Examining the entirety of the act can help the mate determine the direction the relationship is heading, and help the other partner decide what he/she needs to do to make things right again.

Divorce is an attack on the emotions, since a trigger hits the heart and emotions and creates pain, sorrow, hurt, sadness, et cetera. Divorce is showing a disregard for the marriage arrangement unless true reasons for divorce are evident. Thus, divorce should only be considered if the mate commits adultery, abuses the partner, or fails to commit in the relationship arrangement, and/or if death occurs.

If you are in a relationship and your mate committed an insulting act against you, such as adultery. Thus, considering the entirety will help you make a wise decision. If another person enticed your mate on vulnerable grounds, thus consider your partner by asking what were, you thinking at the time. If your mate responds by saying I wasn’t thinking, thus you can ask, what makes me think it won’t happen again? If your mate is sincerely sorry, he/she will let you know by words, action, emotions, thoughts, and tone spoken.

Are You Being Lied To?

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By , April 1, 2020 10:36 am

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Sometimes we suspect that someone is lying to us about a very important matter. It could be a matter of where they spent a couple of hours, or they might be trying to cover up who they were with. If you suspect someone might be lying to you or trying to bluff you, how can you find out for sure?

lies, liars, spotting liars, when someone lies to you, bluffing, how to tell when someone is lying

Right now, one of the books I am reading is “Get Anyone to do Anything?by David J. Lieberman.

This book is filled with many techniques you can use in difficult situations to get other people to do what you need them to do.

His methods are based on many years of research into human behavior. He has written a previous book on how to tell when people are lying to you.

I will just briefly present some of his ideas on how to tell whether or not another person is telling you the truth. This is a problem we all face from time to time, so it is helpful to have a few tips.

If you think his advice is useful, you may wish to check out more about David J Lieberman’s other books on human behavior. They are fun and easy to read, and contain a lot of practical, useful information.

You might get the suspicion that the other person is not telling you the truth. Sometimes we feel this suspicion because we are naturally suspicious and have a hard time trusting anybody. But sometimes we are suspicious because we sense that something is wrong, and that the other person is lying to us.

How can we tell when someone is lying to us about such a matter? Usually, when we try to ask questions of a person who has decided to lie to us, they will continue sticking to their story.

David Lieberman suggests that sometimes we can flush out a lie by introducing a made up “fact?related to the other person’s story. Make the “fact?you introduce sound like a plausible story. That means, it sounds as if it could have really happened, but it didn’t. Then watch how the other person reacts.

For example, if the other person says “I was at the Royal Theater for the six o’clock movie? you can say, “I heard on the news there was a big accident outside the Royal Theater just before six.?

If the person was really there, he will immediately tell you, “No, there wasn’t an accident?and will appear quite calm about it.

However, if they weren’t really there, they are likely to become flustered and confused, because they don’t know what to say next. They might say something like “Oh, right, well, that certainly was a bad accident.? If they seem to hesitate and act suspiciously, this will confirm to you that they weren’t really there, because they are trying to come up with another made up story.

I’m not a big fan of this technique because I don’t believe in trying to catch a liar by becoming a liar, but sometimes we feel desperate to know whether or not someone is lying to us about something important, and this kind of technique can at least let us know what kind of situation we are dealing with.

How to Tell is a Person is Trying to Bluff You

Bluffing is a word that means someone is pretending to be confident when they are in a difficult situation and they are trying to get away with something. They want desperately to manipulate you into believing they are confident and have a lot of power and advantage when really they don’t.

They are hoping that if they pretend to be confident, you will be fooled and back away or give in.

For example, in a game of playing cards, especially when betting is involved, a person who has a terrible handful of cards will often bluff. He will try to act very confident., as if he actually had very good cards in his hand.

By this show of confidence, he tries to intimidate the other card players into backing down so he can win. So, he will try to look confident and happy as he looks around the table.

And often, this technique will work, because the other players will believe, “If he is acting so confident, he must have good cards. I should just give up now, before I lose too much.?
But as David Lieberman points out, if a person truly had a handful of very good cards, he would not be trying to act confident. Why? Because he has no real need to try to make the other players back down.

A person who truly has a good hand of cards would probably try to act quite neutral so others couldn’t guess that he was happy. Or he might even decide to pretend he is worried and anxious to cover up the fact that his cards are actually very good.

A player only needs to put on a show of confidence when his hand is quite poor.

So very often, a show of confidence is actually a sign that a person is bluffing. Because a person who truly has a powerful advantage doesn’t need to try to act confident.

All people who are bluffing have one thing in common ?they want you to think that they have some powerful advantage so they try to convey this by acting confident.

Very often, they try too hard. Remember, that when a person is truly confident of their position or their power, they don’t need to try too hard to convince you they are confident.

Do You Know Your “Tipping Point??

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By , March 29, 2020 1:27 pm

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In his book “The Tipping Point,?Malcolm Gladwell describes how epidemics and trends “tip?into existence ?seemingly out of nowhere ?and influence cultural and social tides.

The same phenomena show up in our business and personal lives. We each have an internal tipping point ?the moment at which we, often unconsciously, decide to engage in or back out of a relationship. We might base this “tip?on a variety of issues: similarity to someone else we know, what we believe …

In his book “The Tipping Point,?Malcolm Gladwell describes how epidemics and trends “tip?into existence ?seemingly out of nowhere ?and influence cultural and social tides.

The same phenomena show up in our business and personal lives. We each have an internal tipping point ?the moment at which we, often unconsciously, decide to engage in or back out of a relationship. We might base this “tip?on a variety of issues: similarity to someone else we know, what we believe we deserve, how someone “hooks?us and what we expect from our connections with friends, colleagues or spouses.

There is tremendous value in recognizing our own personal tipping points. If most of your relationships are positive and healthy, this awareness will help you make the most of your relationship choices and work through any kinks in otherwise good relationships. Stuck in a rut of difficult or challenging relationships? Here’s an opportunity to do some detective work about the drivers behind your tipping point.

And hint, hint: Readers now thinking, “I have only great relationships in my life,?should take a closer look. Even seemingly great relationships can contain facets that drain your energy.

Red flags that it may be time to “tip out?of a personal or professional relationship:

-You don’t feel respected
-You doubt yourself
-You don’t feel honored for who you are
-It simply doesn’t feel good or right
-You feel out of synch with yourself, drained of energy or bored
-You have attempted to address issues in the relationship and have been unable to resolve them to your satisfaction

Signs of a positive relationship to “tip into?or develop further:

-you like who you are when you interact with this person
-you feel respected for who you are
-you don’t feel judged
-the relationship energizes you, inspires you, and makes you feel good about yourself
-you have fun, learn and generally feel better off with this person in your life

If you are in the midst of reevaluating a relationship in either your personal or work life, here are three different lenses through which to view them:

Change it up. Use different criteria for selecting a new business or friend. For example, if you usually jump into a relationship with both feet, slow it down. If you most often are drawn to extremely outgoing people, explore the treasures of relating to someone who’s more reserved.

Be honest with yourself. If a relationship troubles you, really evaluate this person’s place in your life. What do you tolerate? How does this relationship enhance your life? What do you want to say to this person? What motivates you to remain engaged in a relationship that doesn’t feel
right?

Notice your relationship style. Are you like a swinging door, Velcro, a kite? Are you like a door, swinging to and fro in your relationships? Are you like Velcro ?clinging so hard it’s difficult to let go? Or perhaps you resemble a kite ?flying high above the ground, occasionally coming back to earth to connect? Or are you something else entirely?

Bottom line: All relationships – yes, even the one with your boss ?are voluntary. You can choose to engage or disengage at any moment. Whenever you think that you’re stuck dealing with a situation that is no longer healthy for you, remember this: Extracting yourself may be temporarily unpleasant, but you’ll feel so much better when you do.

Know your personal relationship tipping points, make conscious choices and watch your relationships transform ?especially the relationship with me, myself and I!

Are You Lovable?

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By , March 26, 2020 3:49 pm

276

This looks like an awkward question. We will confess that he/she is not lovable? But the truth is that many of us are not lovable at all.

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This looks like an awkward question. We will confess that he/she is not lovable? But the truth is that many of us are not lovable at all. Can you imagine of a small kid? A kid is always lovable. Why? If we can answer that question, we will solve the puzzle about whether we are lovable or not.

A kid is innocent. Knows nothing and is totally defenseless. You love a kid, because he/ she wants you to protect him/her. You love a kid because of innocence. You love the kid because of the smiling face. You love the kid because the kid has no malice towards anyone. Does not desire any thing bad for any one. Recognizes no enemies and has faith in everyone. The kid is totally free of all negative emotions. That is why we all love a kid.

How many of us are like that? How many of us keep a smile on our face forever? How many of us are free of negative emotions? Not many. Agreed that we are grown ups and can not be like a kid. But surely we can borrow some good qualities from the kid. How about forgiving everyone? How about not getting angry at all? How about having faith in everyone unless proven otherwise? How about loving everyone? How about becoming non judgmental?

Once we acquire some of these qualities, we will become lovable. Believe me that it is that simple. All of your friends and colleagues will begin liking you more. You will get love from unexpected quarters. You will get your dream darling in a little time, after you transform yourself.

Body Language Secrets You Should Know

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By , March 23, 2020 7:31 pm

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Your face and body are constantly sending out messages to other people about your mood and what kind of person you are. Your body language could be scaring other people away. Learn why, and find out what you can do about it.

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Even when you don’t say a word, other people can still learn a lot about what kind of person you are and what you are thinking and feeling.

How do other people do this? By studying your body language.

The term body language refers to the messages you send out with your body gestures and facial expressions.

Some body language experts claim that only about 7% of our messages to other people are communicated through the words we speak. The rest of our messages are conveyed through our body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions.

During your entire life you have been sending messages to others through your posture, gestures, and facial expressions.

When you were an infant, before you learned to speak, people were peering into your little baby face, looking at your gestures, and listening to your little cries and gurgles, trying to decipher what kind of mood you were in, and what you were trying to say.

And you have been reacting to the body language, voice tone, and facial expressions of the people around you all your life, even though you may not have been consciously aware of it.

What sorts of messages are you conveying to others with your body language? Does your body language encourage other people to approach you? Or do you subconsciously warn them to stay away?

Take a moment to think about how you usually stand or sit when you are with other people. What are you doing with your hands? Where are you looking with your eyes?

Does your face express interest in the people you are with, or does your face stay a tense, stony mask?

When you are sitting or standing, do you usually cross your arms across your chest? If this is your typical way of standing or sitting, how do you think other people interpret this posture? Did you realize that most people will subconsciously interpret your arms crossed in front of your chest as a signal that you don’t want anyone to approach you? Only the bravest souls are likely to come forward when you adopt this posture.

If you stand awkwardly, with your chest slumped forward, your shoulders drooping, and your eyes avoiding everyone else, people are likely to decide you are very depressed or completely lacking in confidence. They may fear that trying to talk with you will be an awkward experience.

When you stand awkwardly, you do not project any sign that you are confident in yourself, or that you have any interest in the people around you. Instead you look like you are trying to disappear.

No matter how desperately you want someone to come over and befriend you, if your body language projects awkwardness or disinterest in others, it’s not very likely that many people will try to start a conversation with you.

If some body language signals can frighten people away, are there signals that will encourage people to come forward and approach you? Yes, you can look much more approachable to others if you adopt body language that is open and non-threatening.

Whether you are sitting or standing, aim for a posture that is upright and alert, yet relaxed. If you notice that your chest or shoulders are slumping, straighten up.

Become aware of the way you are breathing. Does your breath move in and out smoothly? Or does it move with jerky little stops and starts?

If you notice that you are holding your breath, or breathing in a shallow, jerky manner, this is a sign of anxiety. When you breathe shallowly, you have to breathe more often, which can increase your appearance of nervousness. Consciously tell all the muscles of your body to relax. Use your abdomen to help you breathe smoothly and deeply. Let the bottom part of your lungs fill up with air as well as the top.

What are you doing with your hands? If you get nervous in social situations, you may feel that no matter what you do with your hands, it’s the wrong thing. Many people who cross their arms in front of their chest are probably doing so at least in part because they don’t know where else to put their hands.

You should never cross your arms in front of your chest unless you really don’t want anybody to approach you. That is the message this gesture sends out.

If you want to look open and approachable, keep your arms at your sides, or put one hand in your pocket. If you want to hold something in one hand, keep your hand at the side of your body, and not in front of you. Holding your arm in front of your body can be seen as a signal that you want to defend yourself against other people.

Stay aware of and focused on your surroundings and the people around you. If you find yourself tuning out your surroundings, you will start to focus too much on your negative inner sensations and thoughts. This can quickly increase your anxiety to a very uncomfortable level.

What sort of facial expression should you have if you want people to approach you?

In most cases, a gentle, pleasant smile should do the trick. Too much of a smile that never softens can look forced and nervous. A pleasant smile with a twinkle in your eyes will convey to other people the impression that chatting with you will be a pleasant experience.

Break-Ups And Guilt

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By , March 20, 2020 10:34 pm

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How many break-ups also result in feelings of guilt amongst partners? Please take care of guilt before you break-up. Guilt can be a very damaging feeling and can make any life hell.

How many break-ups also result in feelings of guilt amongst partners? Please take care of guilt before you break-up. Guilt can be a very damaging feeling and can make any life hell. Those who are full of guilt undergo lot of pain asking for forgiveness everywhere, but fail to forgive themselves.

Why guilt? Guilt comes if you have done any wrong that has not been corrected. If you have done wrongs with your partner and refuse to acknowledge them before break-up that will be very painful afterwards. Let me tell you something. Most of us never believe that we have done any wrong. As time passes we realize our wrongs and by that time all is lost. The feelings of guilt therefore take over after that and make life impossible.

Remedy – If you have decided to break-up, please go ahead. Please do what I suggest before you break up. Please ask your partner about what all he/she feels what done wrongly by you. Ask them to tell you about everything, not missing even the smallest detail. Without any arguments, please say sorry for all that. Do not argue. I know that you would not agree with most of the accusations and get angry and protest furiously. But refrain doing that. Say sorry, and apologize profusely and after that try to forget everything. Forgive yourself and continue with your life. This way you will be saving yourself from tremendous amount of guilt that may come afterwards. Act in time before breaking up.

Can Former Lovers be Just Good Friends?

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By , March 18, 2020 1:20 am

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Definitely, one can be friends with an ex if you have parted ways amicably. If you happen to bump into your ex, the way you greet each other totally depends on the way the break-up took place and sometimes, even if there was anger or awkwardness initially.

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Can you be good friends with an ex-lover? Firstly, the word ‘lover’ has many connotations and the answer may be different for a one-night stand. But what I believe if it’s someone who spent a substantial portion of his/her life with, someone who have had a good relationship with, based on shared values, ideas and emotions, a healthy friendship is definitely possible even after they are no longer involved. This is possible because every relationship evolves. If both people concerned have the same level of understanding that they did when they were lovers, it can be used to establish a stable friendship. Of course, if there’s any negativity from either side, being friends may not be possible, and that’s sad.

When a man and woman relate, there’s always a part that is sexual, small though it may be. In most relationships, you tend to suppress the attraction. But when you’re friends with an ex, it’s much easier to understand and accept this attraction as you’ve already experienced all there was to experience. In some cases, one person may feel it more than the other, but either way. I think it’s much easier to talk such residual attraction through, as you both share a certain level of comfort. Communication is the basis of any relationship.

Even when you and your ex have new love interests in your life, communication is still the key. I believe, for the new relationship to work, you cannot hide your past. The attempt should be not to do things that you need to hide. And you have to resolve the level of importance you want to give your current lover and your ex. Your partner may be insecure, but then we’re insecure about so many things in our life. For example, people do compromise their careers for their relationship. So you have to either talk things through with your partner or compromise on your friendship.

As for whether an ex can be a platonic friend who can casually rib you about your present relationship or relate well with your current lover, it’s all about the different levels of sensitivity that various people display. The dynamics between your friend, your lover and you will play out according to each person’s position in your respective relationships.

I don’t think prespectives change depending on your gender. It’s about what you believe is right and wrong. If the other person has had a very similar upbringing (although that would be rare), he or she is likely to emote, perceive situations, react and resolve issues just like you would.

Difficult Conversations ?Getting Started

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By , March 15, 2020 4:21 am

366

Is there a conversation you’ve been putting off? Is there a coworker or family member with whom you need to talk – but don’t? Maybe you’ve tried and it didn’t turn out as you had hoped. Or maybe you fear that talking will only make things worse. Whatever the reason, you feel stuck and you’d like to free up that energy for more useful purposes.

difficult conversations,communication,respect,mutual purpose,family relationships,purpose,difficult moments

Is there a conversation you’ve been putting off? Is there a coworker or family member with whom you need to talk – but don’t? Maybe you’ve tried and it didn’t turn out as you had hoped. Or maybe you fear that talking will only make things worse. Whatever the reason, you feel stuck and you’d like to free up that energy for more useful purposes.

One of the most common reasons I hear in my workshops for not holding difficult conversations, is that people don’t know how to begin. Here are a few conversation openers I’ve picked up over the years ?and used many times.

?I’d like to discuss something with you that I think will help us work together better.
?I think we may have different ideas about _____________. When you have some time, I’d like to talk about it.
?I’d like to hear your thoughts on ____________. Do you have a minute?
?I need your help with what just happened (or – I need your help with __________). Can we talk?
?I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I really want to hear your thoughts on this.

All of these openers help to create an environment of respect and mutual purpose. You can say almost anything as long as you maintain these two critical conditions.

Practice, Practice, Practice
The art of conversation is like any art – with continued practice you acquire skill and ease. You, too, can create better working and family relationships, ease communication problems, and improve the quality of your environment. Here are 3 tips to get you started.

1) A successful outcome will depend on two things: how you are and what you say. How you are (centered, supportive, curious, problem-solving) will greatly influence what you say.
2) Know and return to your purpose at difficult moments.
3) Practice the conversation before holding the real one, either mentally or with a friend. Try out different scenarios and visualize yourself handling each with ease. Envision the outcome you’re hoping for.

Good luck, and remember that if you can find a mutual purpose for holding the conversation, and if you extend and maintain respect, you will be fine. Let me know how it goes!

DATE IDEAS

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By , March 12, 2020 7:31 am

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Now that a sorry geek such as you has finally landed the girl of your dreams and everyone else’s dreams, let’s get to the hard part. The part where you keep the girl interested in you. This can also be described as the part where you end up selling your family fortunes and end up penniless, but that doesn’t matter as long as you’ve managed to keep your girl right.

Right Lover, Dating, Love, Date Ideas

Now that a sorry geek such as you has finally landed the girl of your dreams and everyone else’s dreams, let’s get to the hard part. The part where you keep the girl interested in you. This can also be described as the part where you end up selling your family fortunes and end up penniless, but that doesn’t matter as long as you’ve managed to keep your girl right.

Now let us analyze the concept of a date. The origins of the word ‘Date?lie in ancient Arabia, where the summers, the springs, the girls and the winters are always hot. The age old tradition of Arabia decreed that males seen going out with females had to be violently punished. Hence hanging out inside the city was a little impossible, unless the wife was ok to the idea of a thing-less husband. So what the hormone heavy kids did was, they used to go out in the desert and hang out under the shade of the date palms. The word stuck and hence we go ‘dating?nowadays.

Now, your date location is highly dependent on what sort of a person you are. There’s a concept in France where a huge barrel is filled with grapes and people get to stomp on them and laugh and screech and pretend to have lots of fun while doing it. If you’re a extremely insecure person, I would not advise you to use this tactic because you don’t want to see a hunk ‘fall?on your wife/girlfriend, thrash about in the grape slush and have lots of fun while you run away crying. So for all of you insecure guys out there, please avoid such ‘contact sports?dates, or get an insecure girl who’d rather cling on to you than be clung onto. You might also want to check out the dating avenues offered by a gay bar. You’d be able to completely eliminate ‘guys hitting on your girl?from the equation then, giving you ‘quality?time to spend with your girl.

Now for married couples, there is an extremely radical and absolutely ‘win-win?date concept you might want to explore. A date with a married couple. That way, you could gain valuable information about the joys of being married (if you get what I mean) and add to the pleasures of your married life. Worst case scenario, your wife could end up falling for the other husband, but don’t worry. You shouldn’t miss the trick here. You can always hit on the other wife if that happens.

Now for the hard core romantics, I suggest falling back on history for inspiration. Way back in history. I suggest going to an apple orchard and picking apples together. If you think that this idea sucks, I’d suggest you remind yourself what happened after Eve ate The Apple. Doesn’t suck so much now does it?

Or if you’re the rather conservative lover, you can check out the usual love spots in your locality and keep your chick entertained. Now don’t ask me how to keep your chick entertained because that’s your job. If I did that, she’d be my girl, not yours.

If nothing works out and your girl’s getting losing interest, I recommend falling back on the ‘date-under-the-date-palms?thing. A date palm’s never disappointed anyone on a date. So far.

Back to La-la Land

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By , March 9, 2020 10:01 am

560

Relationships with narcissists peter out slowly and tortuously. Narcissists do not provide closure. They stalk. They cajole, beg, promise, persuade, and, ultimately, succeed in doing the impossible yet again: sweep you off your feet, though you know better than to succumb to their spurious and superficial charms.

Relationships with narcissists peter out slowly and tortuously. Narcissists do not provide closure. They stalk. They cajole, beg, promise, persuade, and, ultimately, succeed in doing the impossible yet again: sweep you off your feet, though you know better than to succumb to their spurious and superficial charms.

So, you go back to your “relationship” and hope for a better ending. You walk on eggshells. You become the epitome of submissiveness, a perfect Source of Narcissistic Supply, the ideal mate or spouse or partner or colleague. You keep your fingers crossed.

But how does the narcissist react to the resurrection of the bond?

It depends on whether you have re-entered the liaison from a position or strength ?or of vulnerability and weakness.

The narcissist casts all interactions with other people in terms of conflicts or competitions to be won. He does not regard you as a partner ?but as an adversary to be subjugated and defeated. Thus, as far as he is concerned, your return to the fold is a triumph, proof of his superiority and irresistibility.

If he perceives you as autonomous, dangerously independent, and capable of bailing out and abandoning him ?the narcissist acts the part of the sensitive, loving, compassionate, and empathic counterpart. Narcissists respect strength, they are awed by it. As long as you maintain a “no nonsense” attitude, placing the narcissist on probation, he is likely to behave himself.

If, on the other hand, you have resumed contact because you have capitulated to his threats or because you are manifestly dependent on him financially or emotionally ?the narcissist will pounce on your frailty and exploit your fragility to the maximum. Following a perfunctory honeymoon, he will immediately seek to control and abuse you.

In both cases, the narcissist’s thespian reserves are exhausted and his true nature and feelings emerge. The facade crumbles and beneath it lurks the same old heartless falsity that is the narcissist. His gleeful smugness at having bent you to his wishes and rules, his all-consuming sense of entitlement, his sexual depravity, his aggression, pathological envy, and rage ?all erupt uncontrollably.

The prognosis for the renewed affair is far worse if it follows a lengthy separation in which you have made a life for yourself with your own interests, pursuits, set of friends, needs, wishes, plans, and obligations, independent of your narcissistic ex and unrelated to him.

The narcissist cannot countenance your separateness. To him, you are a mere instrument of gratification or an extension of his bloated False Self. He resents your pecuniary wherewithal, is insanely jealous of your friends, refuses to accept your preferences or compromise his own, in envious and dismissive of your accomplishments.

Ultimately, the very fact that you have survived without his constant presence seems to deny him his much-needed Narcissistic Supply. He rides the inevitable cycle of idealisation and devaluation. He berates you, humiliates you publicly, threatens you, destabilises you by behaving unpredictably, fosters ambient abuse, and uses others to intimidate and humble you (“abuse by proxy”).

You are then faced with a tough choice:

To leave again and give up all the emotional and financial investments that went into your attempt to resurrect the relationship ?or to go on trying, subject to daily abuse and worse?

It is a well-known landscape. You have been here before. But this familiarity doesn’t make it less nightmarish.

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